"Being evil is a hell chapter 3"

BY;fernand jiro

Well, that’ll make him sleep for a while”, Jurglarr said, “Now tell me how and why you got here.”
-“I didn’t know you were such a good thief.”
-“Comes with being a goblin. What’s this feathery thingy?”
-“Don’t know.”
-“Why did you sleep on the road?”
-“Something hit me on the head.”
-“This thing?”
-“Don’t know.”
The troll massaged his arm. He had quite a lot of wounds.
-“That’s a good fighter, that guy. Who is he?”
-“His name’s Thor. And he wants to kill you, so I think you should get away from here before he wakes up.”
-“He’s that hero?”
-“Yes. What are you doing here?”
-“One of the stupid maidens ran away.”
-“Maidens? Oh no, don’t tell me Felix has used that old cliché.”
-“What’s a cliché?”
-“Never mind. Get back to his Lordishness and tell him the hero is on his way. And that we’ve found some strange being that looks like the result of one of the Sorcerer’s creations. I wonder what in the nine nether hells it is. Any idea?”
-“Don’t know.”
-“Get going, troll.”
The troll got up and walked.
One of the things trolls do absolutely best is walking. The other thing is fighting.
Nobody knows what moves in the head of a troll when it is walking, but it seems as though they are all thinking of something really important. A thinking troll can be almost as intimidating as a fighting one.
Jurglarr watched the troll, thinking goblin thoughts.
But then he quickly got busy again. He scuttled off into the forest, and came back a little later with some kind of mossy goo.
He put it on the thing’s head, mumbling some old goblin blessing to himself.
People say that all goblins and trolls are always on the evil side, which is wrong. There are good goblins, but they are usually called gnomes. Trolls, however, are always with the bad guys.
Which is rather strange, as trolls are usually very peaceful.
This is because of evolution. Trolls were very big and strong and practically invincible. When they fought a lot of people died. It didn’t take much time to discover, even for a troll.
And if everyone died, there was nobody left.
And that’d be very boring.
So trolls developed a peaceful mind, because much people are usually so much more interesting than no people at all.
But why did they love to work for Dark Lords?
When Jurglarr thought he knew the answer the bird thing awoke.
It squawked. And then, gradually, the squawk became a voice. Jurglarr didn’t quite catch the words, but it did sound as some sort of cursing.
His eyes got even wider than before when he saw the strange procedure of the eagle-thing going human.
It was not some sort of fast changing, it was not the feathers vanishing and arms growing out and all that stuff.
It was more like, well, as if the human had been there all the time but sort of hid behind the eagle.
It had a purple robe.
It was the Sorcerer.
And he looked really tired.

The first rays of sun touched Lord Felix’ dark castle.
They had done so many times before. This morning, however, something was being different.
Instead of just shining upon the castle and making it brighten up, the sunlight was somehow being absorbed by the castle, and it looked darker than yesterday.
Lord Felix could feel it as he opened his eyes.
Something was different.
He had become more evil.
He staggered up from his bed and looked in the small mirror that hung on the wall.
And he saw the terrible changes. He had become taller and more handsome, but in an awfully horrid way, like the corpse of a handsome person.
But the thing that scared him the most was his eyes. They had gone coal black, like two old mines, or rather, like ink. He gasped for air, making a hissing sound.
So this was how being a real Dark Lord was, eh? He put on his helmet, and now discovered that it too had changed. It was no longer a black silly iron hat; it was like watching the head of Death itself.
But there was still something missing. Still something that was not completely evil. He was still not a real Dark Lord.
And in a way he felt he no longer wanted to be one. He would probably have gone into long and philosophical thoughts, but he did not have the time for that as someone was knocking on his door.
-“Yes?”, he said, and now also noticed that his voice was different too, it sounded like someone speaking from the bottom of a well.
The door opened and an orc stepped into the room.
-“Milord, one patrol is gone.”
-“Gone, you say?”
-“Without a trace.”
-“Excellent.”
-“Excellent, milord?”
-“Yes, excellent. That means the hero is coming. Have you found the sorcerer yet?”
-“No milord, we haven’t. He’s gone too.”
Felix suddenly felt anger flowing within him for no reason at all. “Oh crap”, he thought, “Another of those Dark Lord things. Perhaps I should fight the urge?”
A cruel voice coming from somewhere within him said “No. Resistance is pointless, mortal.”
Felix drew his sword and in one smooth move, he cut the orc in half. It looked completely dumbfounded, and then peacefully collapsed in a neat pile.
Felix stared at it.
This was actually the first time he had ever killed someone.
He dropped his sword and fainted, head filled with thoughts and moral.
Somewhere within him Felix was arguing with Dark Lord. They were not getting along very well.
-“Did you make me do this?”
-“Yes. I did, in a way.”
-“In a way?”
-“You see, evil is not there if nobody gains anything.”
-“So what or who gained anything?”
-“Your book. “Dark Lording for Dummies.”
- “My book?”
-“Well, not the book, but the thing that controls the book.”
-“What controls the book?”
-“Well, it’s not a question of good or evil, it’s…”
They both went silent.
-“So what you’re saying is that I am only being evil because some guy gets money?”
-“Yes.”
-“How do you know?”
-“I am the evil part of you, right?”
-“What about all these changes?”
-“Money too.”
-“How can money do that?”
-“Do not underestimate the power of the money.”
-“So money is always evil?”
-“Oh no, it can be good too. It’s… quite complicated to explain.”
-“Isn’t there anything we can do?”
-“I don’t know.”
-“By the way, why are you helping me? You are my evil side.”
-“Well, you see, even if I am a creation of the money, in a way, I am still a part of you. And as you have always known, you are not a very good Dark Lord.”
-“So you mean that I am resistant to evil even though I am evil?”
-“Yes.”
-“That’s weird.”
There was silence again in the mind of Dark Lord Felix. After a long time, Felix spoke.
-“Want to take a beer when all this is over?”
-“You bet, buddy.”

A great amount of orcs were gathered around the temporary tower built by the border between Dribble Forest and the Bronze Plains. It was actually all the orcs that Felix had. He had started out with 500, and now only 356 were left. One orc was standing in the tower, commanding the others.
-“Lord Felix has sent this letter, which I am now to, um, open and read to my fellow… Anyone knows what that means? …My fellow orcs. At least it says so on the envelope.”
The orc tore the envelope in half.
-“Oops. Um… The hero is commin’ this way, and un… We are gonna watch here so he won’t get past. You’ve done that before, right?”
The crowd shouted something in orcish.
-“There’s more too… Since Grashnik is dead, the commander orc is now Gnash-Nash. Where’s Gnash-Nash?”
On orc in the crowd waved his hand.
-“Okie-dokie, mister commander orc, step right this way. You’re in charge now.”
The orc that had waved his hand quickly began to move toward the tower. He was smaller than the average orc, and more looked like a goblin.
-“How come he chose me?” it squeaked, in a very un-orc like way.
The speaking orc gazed at Gnash-Nash.
-“My guess is he chose the shut-your-eyes-and-point-at-random-name method.”
-“Just like you do when you’re gonna eat someone, then.”
-“Yeah.”
Gnash-Nash inspected the troops.
-“Well, orcs, it is now time to… Eh…”
He turned around and looked at the torn message from Felix.
-“It is now time to guard Dribbl!”
-“What’s Dribbl?”
-“There’s supposed to be something more, but unfortunately that part appears to be gone.”
-“Then what?”
-“Don’t ask stupid questions. We must of course find a Dribbl!”
-“What are we supposed to do with a Dribbl?”
-“Guard it, of course!”
The orcs began to look for a Dribbl. When they didn’t find any, they began striding south to look over there.
And after a while the area around the tower was empty. Only the orc that had first been speaking was left. He looked at a piece of paper he was holding in his hand. It said “e Forest”.
And with typical Orcish logic, he began guarding the forest all by himself. And he did so for quite a while, until Thor severed his head.

Thor, Jurglarr and the sorcerer, who called himself Gnilialf “Because it sounds like the name of a good wizard”, watched the castle, lying behind a small bush.
-“Is this the place, Jurglarr?”
-“Yes. But I don’t remember it this way. It used to be more… common.”
The castle certainly was more frightening than it had been when he left. It seemed to have grown. And he couldn’t remember there being a tower on it. Two goblins were guarding the entrance.
Thor turned to the sorcerer.
-“Well then, good wizard Gnilialf, I guess we will need your magic to get by that door?”
-“That’s right, I am a good wizard you see, I hate the Dark Lord.”
-“I know. Just use a spell, OK?”
He stood up.
-“Hello there, goblins! Recognise me?”
They looked at him.
-“Hey! It’s the sorcerer!”
-“I heard you get a reward if you bring him to Felix!”
-“Really?”
-“Yeah!”
Both goblins aimed at him with their bows.
-“You’re coming with us, sorcerer!”
-“Yeah!”
“Yeah!” isn’t a very common last word in life. But for this goblin, it became his last words, because a second later he was fried. The other goblin shot.
And hit the sorcerer.
Who immediately collapsed.
-“Is he dead?” Thor asked.
-“Nahh, goblin sleep arrow. I recognise them. He’ll be sleeping for a year or so.”
-“But how are we going to get past that door then?”
-“We’ll knock, of course.”
-“But he said.:.”
-“Yes, I know. Wizards. A useless bunch, really. This is how it’s done.”
Jurglarr walked to the goblin.
-“Hi there, buddy.”
-“Jurglarr?”
-“That’s right. How has things been in the castle?”
-“Great, really. Felix seems to be in a good mood.”
-“He ought to be. I’ve got the hero here, you see. Would you mind letting us through?”
-“Sure.”
The guard goblin opened the gate, and Jurglarr entered. After a while, Thor followed him as well. The guard goblin closed the door again, and poked his fried comrade.
-“How you doing, mate?”
-“Well, it hurts quite a lot, but I’m OK.”
-“He can never complete a spell, can he?”
-“Never. How did it feel, being dead.”
-“Not that bad. There was this tunnel, you see, and…”
Jurglarr watched the corridors. Someone had put torches on the wall.
-”This is not how I remember it.”
-“Really?”
-“It used to be a little more… Nice.”
-“What is Lord Felix like? Really?”
-“I’ve got to admit that he is not very horrible.”
-“Thought so. Where should we go?”
-“Where do you find Dark Lords?”
-“In some sort of dangerous throne room or something, I guess.”
-“That’s right. Ooh, look, someone has put this very handy map here, which shows how to get from the entrance to Lord Felix’ Very Horrible Chamber.”
-“Great!”
They continued.
-“You don’t think he’s overdone this a little?”
-“You mean the “This Way”-sign and the red arrows painted on the floor to show you where to go? No, not really. Usually heroes find the right way directly to where they’re going immediately.”
-“Yeah. I wonder how they do that.”
They reached a door marked Lord Felix’ Very Horrible Chamber.
-“Well, this is it, then.”
-“This is it.”
Thor drew his breath and his sword and opened the door.
It was a completely empty room, except for a sign standing there all by itself. It said “We discovered this room was too small when we had already made the map and the writing on the door. But it is too small, and thus “Lord Felix’ Very Horrible Chamber” has been moved two more doors to the left, the door marked “Lord Felix’ Very Horrible Chamber. Really”. Thank you.”
-“That’s Felix all right”, Jurglarr said. “Two more doors to the left, then.”
They moved two doors to the left.
-“Here goes nothing”, Thor said, and opened the door.
This room was more impressive. Goblins were standing by the wall, and Lord Felix was sitting in his throne. Fire burned in two pedestals.
-“Finally we meet, Thor.”
His voice was booming. Jurglarr couldn’t remember it that way.
-“Indeed, Felix.”
Jurglarr stepped to the side. His part was done, the only thing left now was the final duel between Felix and Thor.
Felix drew his sword and jumped down from his throne.
-“Very well, then…”
Thor attacked. Felix parried.
People who have seen fights in a movie don’t know what they really look like. People who have seen real swordfights knew exactly how the battle between Felix and Thor went.
Mostly they just stared at each other. Swords are dangerous. There is no time for impressive tricks or any talking in a real fight. Because someone waving a dangerous weapon at you is scary. Sure, Thor had been fighting before. But that had been orcs. And during the years, orcs have evolved to lose. How would it look if orcs won a fight? Maybe through cheating, but it is a fact that orcs never win a fair fight. Felix was different.
It was a long fight. Sometimes someone was nearly hit, but always avoided it in the last moment.
Jurglarr watched. Something was wrong with the fight. They were not his enemies, none of them. They were both his friends. He didn’t want either of them to die. And he knew who the real enemy was now, as he glared at their books.
The fight continued. Once Thor’s sword hit Felix, but his armour protected him. The sheer strength of the blow, however, nearly knocked him over. They were tired. They were afraid of each other. They were completely concentrated at not losing. And Jurglarr saw his chance.
He jumped. It was no elegant jump. It was a practical jump. And mid-air, when he was right between Thor and Felix, his hands suddenly moved very, very fast. He landed, holding on to the swords.
The both fighters stared at him.
-“I know who the real enemy is.”
Jurglarr said silently. And he grabbed Thor’s sword, went to the books, and clove them in half.
And they all understood.
-“So,” Felix said, “The Money, right?”
-“Right. It has made you think you are good and evil, instead of seeing what you really are.”
-“And that is…?”
-“Humans. You are just humans. Nothing more, nothing less. There isn’t such a thing as good and evil. There are only people. Humans, goblins, trolls. You are nothing but humans, and…”
-“All right, all right, we get it. So now what?”
-“What do you think?”
And they knew. And Thor the Hero and Dark lord Felix became just Thor and Felix.
The Hero and the Dark Lord continued their fight forever. But they would have to do it without Thor and Felix. And thus the story ends, because Good and Evil are only necessary for one thing. And that one thing is books.

This is how the story is told by the ancient Guardians of the Sacred Dribbl, in the faraway lands of Amgaria. And they ought to know.